It's not a shame
by Kasia B
Summary: Murdock gets seriously depressed because of an tragic incident. Warning: One bad word, death of one major character. Reviews are welcome.
It was a warm, sunny afternoon. Hannibal and Frankie were sitting comfortably on the couch watching a rugby match, while Face and B.A. were shopping. Murdock worked into the evening at the restaurant.

"Where the hell are they? I'm hungry," sighed Frankie.

"Face probably picked up some lovely cashier." Hannibal smiled without removing his eyes from the TV.

All of a sudden the transmission was interrupted and on the screen appeared the presenter of the news program.

"Welcome to this Special Edition of the News Service in connection with the tragic events at the mall in Langley. According to the first reports, 14 people were killed in the attack..."

The sound was silenced violently by the opening door, in which stood a deathly pale Face. On his white shirt was a huge blood stain.

"Face!" Frankie jumped up off the couch and ran up to his friend, Hannibal just behind him.

"Show me the wound!" shouted the colonel.

"No, no, I'm okay. I had just went to the bathroom when..." he babbled, looking at the stain "But... but... B.A. ..."

"Oh my God," whispered Frankie. Hannibal kept mum, unsure whether it really happened.

"'It was good to know you guys' - Those were his last words," said Face with a breaking voice.

They sat on the sofa in complete silence for 3 hours, desperate and wondering, how Murdock would react to B.A's death. Face didn't even change his bloodied shirt. The television still floated sounds. More and more details were known about the massacre caused by a 17-year-old boy, who unexpectedly opened fire blindly at customers in Langley's shopping center, but the team wasn't listening.

The sun was setting when Murdock appeared in the open doorway.

"Hey guys, what's wrong with you? Don't you close doors? Did you hear what happened in-" He stopped suddenly, seeing their stone faces full of pain. "Where's the big guy?" he asked, trying to smile. He also noticed a red stain on Face's clothes.

Hannibal knew that he should be the one who, as a leader would take it upon himself the burden of telling the captain, what had happened to his best friend. But when he picked up on Murdock's dead look, he wasn't able to say a word. It was the worst moment in his life.

Murdock finally understood, but he couldn't accept it in his mind. He fell on his knees and began to scream. "That's not true, is it? He's got to be kidding us. Probably soon be coming in and will be joking with us, so that we'll be fooled again. He'll call me a 'freak'..."

He kept quiet for a while. In this brief moment of silence Face's body shook with a sob.

Murdock again began to scream, this time even louder. "It's impossible! He survived Vietnam. Survived with us on so many missions, so many actions; he even survived his own execution! Couldn't kill him any whipster with his funny little gun! It's ridiculous, it's too ridiculous." He paused and then started a baying, hysterical laughter.

A week later, at a Chicago cemetery, Hannibal, Face, Frankie and Stockwell were blessing B.A., placing a U.S. flag on his coffin. Murdock lay again in a VA, this time tied to a bed in fear of a possible suicide attempt. An IV in his left hand seeped a venflon drip, because the captain refused to eat and drink.

He even stopped speaking.

After returning to Langley, each, in their own way, dealt with the death of their friend. Hannibal and Frankie rushed into work, often doing a lot of doubles that were not needed, just to go home as late as possible. Face sought solace in the arms of another woman, and when he couldn't pick up any, hit on prostitutes. Stockwell, seeing it all, decided not to give them any orders for a month.

The black van was getting dusty, still sitting in front of ill-fated mall. None of them dared to take the space behind the wheel that belonged to B.A.

Visiting Murdock was forbidden, but doctors kept the team informed about his condition. There wasn't a lot of information, because the captain's condition didn't change much.

However, Face recognized he needed an end. 'He can't be much longer like that.' In spite of the pain which he still felt, in spite of a sense of guilt-of that cursed day he needn't have asked B.A to go with him-in spite of fear, that Murdock came to hate him. Face felt, that if in the end they don't talk about it openly, he will also go mad. Or else he'll lose another friend, because even if Murdock's heart still beats, his mind was going away dangerously and Face was afraid that he could never come back again.

He didn't know how he managed to convince the doctor to let him to talk to the captain. "You have 10 minutes", he said. Face didn't answer. He knew that for him it will be an eternity.

He entered slowly, carefully closing the doors behind him. Murdock was sitting on the edge of the bed, not tied down. Doctors acknowledged that he was in such a catatonia, that self-destruction wasn't threatening him. He had become terribly emaciated and his skin was grey. He didn't even twitch when Face came up to him, sat down beside and gently rested his hand on captain's shoulder. Face was thirstily searching for the right words.

"Friend... I beg you, talk with me. I need you. We all need you. You must live longer, for us, for yourself. The guys are saying nothing, but I can see they are mad with anxiety about you. Return to us. We will go because that if together"

"We'll go because of that?" Unexpectedly the captain turned in the direction of lieutenant. "Just like that? We will pretend that nothing has happened? No, Templeton. No. If you want to help me, you can. Let's catch this son of a bitch."

"And then? What do you want to do with him? You want yourself to mete out justice to him?" asked a concerned Face, seeing in friend's eyes a growing madness. "The police caught him. He's waiting under arrest for due process."

"We'll recapture him. I want to ask him why he did it. He's also a freak, maybe I'll understand, who knows? And then put the barrel to his temple and see dread in his eyes, and then..." his voice dropped.

Suddenly, what was a surprise for both of them, silence was interrupted by the sound of a blow. The lieutenant with all his might slapped his friend.

"You think B.A. would like it? You really think he'd like you to become the same kind of murderer?" he said through his teeth.

Murdock touched his red cheek. Not looking at Face, he whispered after a moment of silence, "You're right."

He began to cry. For the first time since B.A. had died he began to cry.

"I miss him so much," he sobbed out, tightening the sheet in his fist.

The lieutenant hugged him and said, "I know friend, I know. Me too. Cry. It is not a shame to cry, it will help you."

The medical orderly heard the crying and went into a room, behind him the clearly dissatisfied doctor.

"End of the visit," he announced briefly.

After Face's visit Murdock began eat again voluntarily. He was doing everything to get out of the VA as soon as it would be possible. He had a purpose. There was a place that he had, just had to visit, no matter what.

Two weeks later he came back to Langley. Always one of boys stayed with him, with the remaining two in the company of trusted Stockwell people filling in for a mission.

One day, when Face was with him alone, Murdock came up to him looked him straight in the face and said quietly, "Face, take me there. Take me to visit B.A."

Face looked at friend a little bit confused. "Are you sure? Are you ready to do this?"

"I don't know. But I feel that if I don't go there, I won't be able to forgive myself. I won't be able to try to recover my soul. And... I don't want to be alone there."

"OK. Tomorrow we're going to Chicago," answered Face and got up to write Frankie and Hannibal a note letting them know where they went.

When they got out of the taxi at the cemetery, Face wasn't sure if he did the right thing bringing Murdock there. He put a hand on his shoulder and didn't say anything.

"It's all right, Face. Please, wait here for me." said the captain and he walked toward the graves.

Fresh flowers were still in place at B.A.'s grave. 'Surely his mom comes here every day, although many weeks had passed. What she must feel...' thought the captain, swallowing. 'I won't replace her son, but I should take care of her in some way.'

When he finally stood above the sergeant's grave, Murdock pulled off his baseball cap, crossed himself and prayed briefly while looking at the stone. 'Faithful soldier of U.S. Army, loving son, best comrade' read the lettering, in which Murdock fixed his gaze while thanking God that He had given to him such a friend and asked Him for strength to continue living without the sergeant. When he finished the prayer, tears flowed from his warm, brown eyes in thin rivulets.

He crouched and whispered, "We sacrificed everything to be together. No family, we don't have children… I think." He smiled faintly, thinking about Face. "So many times we endangered our lives for each other. We were like a family. It's been taught to us that as men, and as soldiers, we shouldn't talk about feelings. Even, that it was not proper to have them. Despite this, despite Vietnam, we didn't lose our humanity. We did not talk about it, but-" He paused, and his voice broke "But I knew, although I'm not sure if I deserved. I knew, B.A., and I'm here to tell you, that I loved you like a brother too. It's not a shame to love. I'll never forget you."

He stood up and for a moment looked at the cross and said, "St. Peter now has the best man at the gate."

He turned back and slowly went back to Face. His friend noticed traces of tears on his face and felt that this is right moment to fulfill B.A.'s last will.

"Murdock, I think that B.A wouldn't want to see your tears," Face said and handed him a small, red bundle. "He asked me to give you this and said—"

"I know, Face. I know what he wanted to say to me," answered Murdock, taking from the lieutenant's hand a piece of material and at once recognizing the same handkerchief that the sergeant had wiped the sweat from his forehead with when he was injured protecting Hannibal. "I have to take care of myself and of you."

"It also—"

"Huh?"

"He told me to repeat this all to his brother."

"After all, he had no siblings," whispered the captain, his voice was trembling.

"Murdock, don't be coy. You know well whom he had on mind."

Murdock tightly held on to the handkerchief and touched it to his heart.

"Let's go back to Langley, Face. Let's go back home. Family should be together."

The End


End file.
